Being Kissed by Pink

I'm going to start where it all began. Sitting in the waiting room with my husband, him and I making lighthearted jokes, trying to keep things positive. Prior to this point I had already an ultrasound, mammogram, MRI and biopsy. It was the beginning of the year, and we were one week from the school term starting.

It was roughly 10 days beforehand when I found the lump accidently while showering. We were headed for a family day out...the date was Friday 13th. The moment I found the lump it was like my gut was screaming at me. I did not have a good feeling. We all still jumped in the car and drove the 30 minutes to our family day destination. I sat in the passenger seat booking my online GP appointment for that Sunday.

I spent the day going to the extra mile with having fun. I went on the rides, I bought the extra ice-cream and took lots of photos. There was a dark cloud hanging over me all day. Truth be told, when I really think about it, I don't think that dark cloud has ever disappeared. As my name was called and we stood up I could only see the doctor's eyes over the mask he wore. I tried so hard to read those eyes, trying to figure out if it was going to be bad or good news.

He didn't beat around the bush, we sat down and within a minute he was able to tell me what they had found was cancerous. Most people fear hearing the "C" word. My first thought was "I knew it". My next thought was "that's ok, cancer doesn't mean it's a death sentence". I really believed at that particular time I was going to be ok. I didn't realise the seriousness of the situation. I was still thinking to myself they would cut the tumor out and I would probably have some medication and that would be it.

All these thoughts ran through my head, but it had only been a few seconds before he continued on to say that he had spoken to my oncologist and I would need 6 months of chemotherapy. Now that was the "C" word that I feared. That completely stopped my train of thought, I felt like I took a big punch to the stomach. Instantly I envisioned myself sitting in the chemo chair bald, pale and ridiculously thin...just withering away. This absolutely could not be happening to me. I was 35. I was a mum of 3 kids and my youngest was aged 2.

I didn't know anyone else that had been through what I was about to go through. The doctor went silent waiting for me to respond. My husband put his hand on my knee in support, and I just blurted out "That's ok". Which clearly it was not! I then started to say "cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool" - now if you're a Brooklyn Nine Nine fan you would know that it's exactly how the main character responds to a stressful and unexpected situation! I didn't really take much else in the doctor was saying.

The appointment wasn't very long, which is crazy because it's a huge defining moment in someone's life. It sounds cliche but it truly changes you forever. We got up and I said "thank you" - for what I don't know....and I walked straight out of clinic onto the footpath, leaving my husband to pay the $300 bill. I walked up and down that footpath for a while. So many thoughts running through my mind. Was I going to survive this? What am I going to look bald? How am I going to tell the kids? How is my husband going to cope? How can we afford this? Could this be the beginning of the end...

My husband and I got back into the car and I told him I couldn't face going home to the kids right now. I needed to process this more. We decided to get some fish n chips and head to the beach. We sat and ate, we tried to make some lighthearted jokes again. I kept looking out to the water and trying to see as far as I could, then my eye would draw back to the shoreline, watching the water go in and out. It was reminding me that life is full of waves, some small and some big...and that this was just a fucking massive wave. It was in that moment I decided I was going to tackle this with a positive spin and teach my kids that you can be faced with the biggest wave but you can choose to ride it with style.