When two becomes one...

When I was told that I had to have a mastectomy, it wasn't a huge shock as by the time I had gotten to this point, I already had a few setbacks. Two lumpectomies that did not achieve clear margins and I didn't have a very good response to chemo.

Hubby and I were headed out for a date night. My mum had come to babysit and I was excited to have a night off from 'mum duties'. About 20 minutes before leaving, I received a call from my medical team stating that I needed to have a mastectomy asap as my oncologist didn't want me waiting too long before starting oral chemo and I still needed to have radiation. This may not have been a huge shock but it was still devastating. I always had the hope that just maybe the last surgery was enough. The call only lasted about 10 minutes. I know the doctors make calls like this regularly, however they forget about the impact it makes on someone's state of mind.

We still left for our date night and headed to Gold Class. As soon as we walked through the doors, we ordered ourselves a couple of alcoholic beverages and downed them pretty quick. It wasn't long until we made our way into the cinema to be seated. I should point out the movie we saw was Oppenheimer...it was a movie that required a lot of attention and I can tell you....I had none. I was sitting there staring at the screen with my thoughts wondering to all sorts of scenarios. How was I going to look? Was it going to be painful? Will my husband still be attracted to me? What outfits could I wear?

I didn't know anyone that had anything like this happen to them. Who could I ask?

After a long few hours, the movie finished and it was close to midnight. We headed straight home to relieve my mum. We pulled into the driveway, and I turned to my husband and told him that I need to go for a drive. He was confused because it was so late in the evening, however I just needed to get away to be on my own and have the space to process.

I left him at the door and drove off. It wasn't long before I turned off my street and just burst into tears. I found myself on the freeway driving at 100kmph with no sense of where I was going.

I was driving. I was crying. I was screaming.

I don't know if there is a higher being but I was broken enough to beg for them to keep me alive. That I would survive this and come out unscathed. I wasn't begging to overcome this surgery, I was begging to beat cancer. This was the moment it felt like it was the beginning of the end for me. Not one thing had been successful in treatment.

Before I knew it, I was off the freeway and found myself on a deserted gravel road. I pulled over and got out of the car...the cool air hitting my mascara smudged face, this snapped me out of my spiral. It took a few moments but I managed to take a few big deep breaths. I looked around and all I could see were fences lining paddocks. There was a pile of rocks to my left. I picked up one and threw it as hard as I could into one of the empty paddocks. I picked up another and did the same thing. I started to pick up handfuls and continued to throw rocks. I'm not sure what came over me but I started screaming into the darkness. Pretty sure there was a big fat "FUCK YOU CANCER!" echoing through the night.

Once I got all my aggression out, I fell back on to the car and started to laugh. I was an emotional mess. Still somewhat in disbelief that I was even going through this. All that I had been through in 9 months...it still shocks me that I didn't have more emotional break downs.

I'm not sure how long I stood there but it felt like a long time before I pulled myself together and looked up to the sky and told myself I've got this. That I can get through this. I didn't know anyone personally that had been through what I was about to go through but I did know there were lots of women out there who had. That gave me strength. The feeling of knowing I wasn't alone made a big difference in my outlook. Strength in numbers, am I right?

I literally dusted myself off and got back into the car. Once I figured out where the hell I was, I put on the best "badass bitch" playlist I could think of and turned that up to a very inappropriate level for that time of night. I had the windows down and let the wind blow against my bald head. And can I tell you, I felt like a badass bitch that could take on anything.

Music can really make or break your vibe...so my advice from this experience is to create yourself a super badass bitch playlist to help pump up the atmosphere when things are feeling tough.

Once I made it home, I walked through my front door and went straight to each of my kids' bedrooms and kissed them all on the forehead while they slept peacefully. Watching them each for a few moments, really taking in the calmness from them. I was reminded that this fight is for them as well as for myself. I thought about my future with them, having one boob actually doesn't change how I read to them or play with them. Nowhere does it state that a requirement of being a good mother is to have a pair of knockers.

So, the dodgy tit can beat it.